Twelve Things I'd Hate About You

Okay, so I bared my soul for you. I confessed all of my nastiest most intimate little flaws. Now, because none of you are perfect either, I have put together this little list of things that annoy the hell out of me, things that I'm sure a lot of you do.

1. Yelling. The louder you are, the lower I imagine your IQ to be. It doesn't matter if you are angry at me, the dog, some guy who cut you off in traffic, say it in your indoor voice. And don't yell at me. Ever. It won't end well.

2. Drunk stupid people. Trust me, drunk and stupid are not mutually exclusive. You may think you aren't a stupid drunk but, in the eyes of a sober person, there are no wise drunks. You look like an idiot when you are staggering around, giggling, with that lopsided smile, slurring your words. Drunk giggly girls are probably the only things guaranteed to kill my erection. Dead kittens are sexier.

3. People with no opinions on anything or people who have opinions that they cannot back up with reasons, evidence, and arguments. If you can't logically defend your opinions than you should probably keep them to yourself. Remember the old saying, "Stay quiet and people may mistake your silence for wisdom. Open your mouth and you remove all doubt." Take that to heart.

4. People who don't read. If you haven't read a book since high school then, despite my best efforts, I will probably judge you i.e. consider you an ignoramus. And, despite what you might believe about "street smarts" or "common sense", I'd probably be right.

5. Americans who cannot speak proper English. If English is not your second language than you should be able to pronounce it. Slang has its place. When I'm with my friends from the neighborhood I tend to slip back into the neighborhood dialect. When I'm around people I don't know, I'd prefer they thought I was somewhat intelligent.

6. Animal prints outside of the bedroom. If you have a pair of tiger print boxers or a leopard print nightie, that's your business. Tiger print bra and panties might even be sexy. But if you're wearing zebra striped tights or a blouse with a giraffe print, you are not going anywhere with me.

7. Prudes. If sex is disgusting to you then you're probably irritating to me.

8. Drug users. If you look at pot-heads, crack-heads, junkies, and meth addicts and see a lifestyle you want to emulate then please, do not reproduce. The gene pool is better off without you.

9. Undisciplined kids. If your kids are rude, ignorant, disrespectful little brats that you can't control then please, keep them the hell away from me.

10. Hoarders. One cat is cute. half a dozen or more is a psychological disorder.

11. Conservatives. No explanation necessary.

12. Religious Fundamentalists. I find you both ridiculous and annoying.

So, you can pick your nose, your scabs, the crack of your ass, leave your underwear all over the floor, and leave the cap off the toothpaste. Nothing I can't deal with. Just don't get drunk, snort coke, and vote against gay rights, while wearing zebra stripes, and yelling about Jesus at the top of your lungs in a room full of cats and bratty kids. You may very well get shot and wind up in a pit of lye in the backyard.